Dear Duff Goldman: Oh Honey, No

Dear Duff,

I hate to say it, but my love for you is wavering. I never thought this would happen. I want to work for you. I want to steal you from your girlfriend (rumor has it that you like older women). I'm not saying I would go so far as to take up snowboarding for you, but I would be willing to go to the lodge with you and hang out in front of the fire with a book while you get your snowboard on. What I'm saying is, Duff, I'm a giver.


And then the other day, I innocently turn on my television, and what do I see? You, on an episode of The Best Thing I Ever Ate, eating shrimp heads. Shrimp heads, Duff. There is a reason that the head is the part of the shrimp that gets thrown away, and the reason is this: EW. I had to close my eyes, which interfered with my ability to see your cute face, and that made me sad.


I hope you'll think about what I've said, and refrain from doing anything squicky on television in the future. Please. I hate it when we fight.


Call me!