We Interrupt Our Regularly Scheduled Foodtoons

Image: wn.com

My friends, I tried to write you a normal post this morning, full of sarcasm and humor. I even have a picture of what I baked over the weekend to show you. I really tried.

But the facts are these: I work for a lobster fishing company, and we lost one of our own yesterday. David Mahonen, a hell of a nice guy from Maine. I had the pleasure of spending an afternoon with him one day last summer to make sure he had the paperwork and prescriptions he needed after an injury. He was a quiet guy with a wry sense of humor. He'd quietly throw out a funny comment in his Maine accent and wait patiently while it sunk in. I remember him saying that he expected to be back to work soon after the injury because he's a fast healer. Not this time, Dave. Not this time.

I've wanted to write a lot about how the fishing industry is being taken over by Big Business, how we are being told to eat local produce but the local fisheries are being systematically shut down. I've wanted to say that fishermen are being depicted as enemies of the environment by the spin machine that is part of the effort to put them out of work and to make the commercial fishing permits tradeable commodities to be snapped up by corporations. However, I've felt that Serious Thoughts are not part of what I do here at Foodtoons.

But the bottom line is this: offshore fishing is dangerous. People get hurt all the time. People die in the frigid waters. The men and women who do the job do it because they love it, and they love the ocean. So the next time you go to Red Lobster for an all-you-can-eat Lobsterfest, please remember that. And be thankful.

I'll be back with more madness tomorrow.

Because Everybody Nobody Likes Fruitcake

If you've been sad because you didn't think ahead and make fruitcakes for holiday giving to people you secretly dislike, be sad no more. Betty comes to the rescue with a recipe that is fast and easy.






A careful reading of the recipe will reveal that the most important component of the fruitcake is missing -- to wit: the booze. I've met people who have made fruitcake and people who have received fruitcake, but I don't think I've ever met anyone who actually likes fruitcake. As far as I know, the only reason to eat fruitcake is because the finished product is 100 proof. So you can sit at the holiday table quietly getting hammered while Aunt Gertrude talks about how it's a shame you've never lived up to your potential.


Betty also offers fruitcake in miniature. This recipe is also alcohol-free, but the finished product has the advantage of being small so it can be slipped into your pocket for surreptitious discarding later. Good old Betty. She thinks of everything.

Cubism: The Last Supper

This is my Cubist interpretation of The Last Supper, depicting the pathos of man's inhumanity to man. Also, the little known fact that eggs were served.

Peanut Butter Swirl Bars (with Recipe!)

Now that, my friends, is art.

Apparently, everyone is onto the fact that I post pictures instead of drawings when I'm tired. Guilty as charged -- most of the time. Right now, Christmas cookie prep is in full swing, and I am indeed tired this morning.

However, gentle readers, I want to show you the art I made yesterday without picking up a sharpie. Behold the beauty and yumminess of Peanut Butter Swirl Bars. Also, because you are all awesome, I am going to give you the recipe. It was created by Char Nix of Tustin, MI, and I dearly wish to meet her someday because I have a feeling she has a few more delicious recipes up her sleeve. The recipe was published in Gooseberry Patch Christmas Cookies (a cookbook I highly recommend).

Peanut Butter Swirl Bars

1/2 c. creamy peanut butter

1/3 c. butter, at room temperature

3/4 c. sugar

3/4 c. brown sugar

2 eggs

2 tsps. vanilla extract

1 c. all-purpose flour

1 tsp. baking powder

12-oz. package semi-sweet chocolate chips

Preheat oven of 350 degrees F. Blend together peanut butter, butter, and sugars with electric mixer until creamy; add eggs and vanilla and mix until blended. In a separate bowl, whisk together the flour and baking powder; with the mixer on low speed, slowly add the dry ingredients in batches until incorporated. Spread in a greased 13"x 9" x2" baking pan; top with chocolate chips. Bake for 5 minutes. Remove from oven; run a knife throught the batter and chocolate to marbleize. Return to oven for an additional 25-30 minutes. Cool in the pan on a wire rack, then cut into bars.

I cut this batch in squares which were then carefully wrapped and frozen. But feel free to nom yours as soon as they cool.

Merry and Molded Holiday Menu

As Martha Stewart is fond of saying in her many publications, a holiday party pulls together nicely when you have a unifying theme. May I suggest Foods That Are Made In a Mold, from Betty Crocker's Recipe File circa 1971? Your guests are sure to be impressed with your sophistication.


We begin with an appetizer: a festive cheese ball that is decorated for the season. So fun!

The recipe actually looks like it might be kind of tasty. Then again, anything that combines three kinds of cheese looks pretty good to me.
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Next, we move on to a salad shaped like a Christmas wreath. What could be classier? I'm sure Martha would approve.

Nothings says Merry Christmas like a combination of lime jello, celery, and cucumber. You can quote me on that.

When you present your guests with this molded ring made of rice and peas and filled with fish in a curry sauce, they will never guess that you are "Entertaining on a Shoestring." I have no idea what those orange things are. The Army Dude thinks they're orange grape tomatoes, but I don't think those had been invented in 1971. I suggest garnishing with red grape tomatoes to keep the Christmas theme going.

[Edited to add: An eagle-eyed reader and confirmed foodie says he thinks those orange thingies are kumquats. At least it's an edible garnish. I was beginning to think they were plastic fruits in bizarre colors such as people kept on their coffee tables back in the 1970s.]

I must say, I'm a little afraid of any recipe that contains the words "pour fish sauce into the center of the mold." But maybe that's just me.

We finish our dinner with Pink Bavarian Cream. Something tells me that no Bavarians whatsoever were involved in the creation of this dessert.

As you can see, Bavarian Cream is versatile! You can vary the recipe with different fruits and serve it all year long.

Entertain with Betty. Your guests will love it!

Wedding Cake Madness

Image: NewJerseyBride.com

I finally got around to watching an episode of The Cake Boss on TLC, and it is deliciously tacky. This five-foot wedding cake is festooned in grapes, ivy, and flowers, and topped with a large column featuring cherubs. The center is a plexiglass box holding live doves. Live. Doves. Click the image for a closer look if you dare.

I guess nothing says "I love you" like bird poop between the layers of your wedding cake.

Still Life With Dancing Cookies