Chocolate Fountain

During these hot summer days when maiden aunts are subsisting mostly on smoothies and sandwiches, our thoughts naturally turn to food tales of yore.

Picture it: my mother's kitchen, 1985. My youngest sister Rachel (age 8 at the time) asked me to help her make a milkshake. Since I was fully grown and much taller, she stood in front of me while we loaded the blender with ice cream, milk, and Nestle's Quik. As I reached out to pick up the blender's lid off the counter, Rachel pushed a button and started the blender.

Have you ever noticed how, in moments like this, time seems to slow way down? I saw her push the button. I heard myself say "NOOOOOOOOO." I saw the blender's contents fly high into the air, and then splash down upon us. I was still reaching for the lid while flailing toward the off switch.

I surveyed the wreckage. There were chunks of ice cream and splashes of milk everywhere. I was spattered from the chest up and completely clean from there down since Rachel had made a very effective human shield. She was drenched from head to toe, her hair dripping chocolate milk onto the floor. I ran across the kitchen and unspooled a roll of paper towels to mop us off, and then sent her to take a shower and change. I cleaned the kitchen, although I suspect my mother is finding bits of chocolate in odd places to this day.

When I got back from my turn in the shower, believe it or not, the kid still wanted a milkshake.

Your Corny Joke For The Day

Verily, 'Tis A Good Oyntment (With Receipt!)

While noodling around the Newport Historical Society website looking for genealogical research information, I found the following "receipt":

To Cure Chopt Lipps &c.

Take 2oz: of Bees wax & cutt it in pieces or bitts & 1

Gill of good Sweet oyl set it over a Clear fire when

Dissolved pour it into a Clear Bason & it will be when

Coal’d an Oyntment good for sore Nipples also any

Thing of that kind.

Try it next time you're grilling burgers and happen to have some beeswax on hand!

Like a Lobster

A friend recently told me that when a lobster outgrows its shell, it moults and then hides until the new shell forms because it's soft and vulnerable.

So for my gentle readers who are wondering why I haven't been updating much lately, the answer is this: I'm not unhappy, I'm not bored, I'm not even out of ideas. I'm moulting. Some of this has entailed going places and seeing new things. Some it has been about doing research and taking on new information. And some of the time, I'm doing what looks like a lot of nothing much -- sitting in the yard listening to the birds, reading, and drawing the yellowjackets that land on me.

I don't yet know what shape my new shell will be once it grows. But I do know this: if I have to take on the shape of a beleaguered office worker again, I'd frankly prefer to be devoured by a codfish.

Sweet Potato Oven Fries (with Recipe!)

In the summertime, I want to get through my chores as quickly as possible and get to the main attraction of the season: being outdoors. Cooking, as much as I love it, is no exception. I'm doing a lot more assembling of meals (tossing salads, spooning berries over cottage cheese) than I am actual cooking these days.


Of course, grilling is a great way to cook and be outside at the same time, which is where these oven fries come in so handy. They cook in your oven, leaving you time to toss a salad, grill up some burgers, or take a few more runs on the Slip-n-Slide. Everyone loves them -- adults and children alike -- and they are actually very good for you!

The recipe serves four, but since it's a "to taste" kind of recipe, you can easily make as much or as little as you need. This is one of the very few times I recommend using garlic powder because fresh garlic will burn.

Sweet Potato Oven Fries

3 large sweet potatoes, peeled
olive oil
kosher salt
pepper
garlic powder

1. Preheat oven to 400 degrees F. Prepare one large or two small rimmed baking sheets by pouring a little olive oil in the bottom and spreading to coat the pan(s).

2. Cut sweet potatoes in 1-inch steak fry sized pieces and place pieces in a large bowl. Drizzle olive oil over potatoes and toss. Make sure you use enough olive oil that all the potatoes are fully coated. Sprinkle on the salt, pepper, and garlic powder to taste. (I find it's better to season these liberally.) Toss again.

3. Spread the seasoned sweet potatoes on the baking sheet(s), making sure they are in a single layer and are not too crowded. Place sheet(s) in the hot oven and bake approximately 45 minutes. (Tip: I check them after half an hour and give them a little jiggle or turn them over with a spatula.) The fries are done when they are soft when pierced with a fork and are slightly browned around the edges.

Oh Betty, You Disappoint Me

It's late June, the time when an Old Maid's thoughts naturally turn to 4th of July parties. I was hoping that Betty Crocker -- being as American as the marketing of fake celebrities -- would have something to offer in her trusty 1971 recipe card library.

This card looked promising until I realized that the hamburgers contain absolutely no herring. If there's one thing I've learned from watching the Golden Girls, it's that Scandinavians love their herring. (They also, apparently, love swan dresses and Michael Jackson. But I learned that from Bjork.) I have no idea why Betty decided this recipe was Scandinavian. Maybe it's the rye bread and red onion. Maybe it's the use of everything in the pantry to flavor the burgers. Maybe it's the potato sticks. Who can say?

At first glance, this one seemed more like it. Who wouldn't want to sing a rousing chorus of Yankee Doodle if the reward was going to be frosted doughnuts? If you look carefully, you can see that thrifty Betty even used the doughnut holes to make munchkins. That Betty. She thinks of everything. Except:

Potato buds? Really? Now I'm sad.

Celebrity Breakfast

A delicious breakfast of goat cheese stuffed french toast, fruit salad, and jalapeno bacon.

I am definitely stealing the bacon technique.

It's not very often that I get to have a meals with celebrities. I'm all for the idea, it's just that there seems to be a certain lack of enthusiasm at their end. So you can imagine how exciting it was for me a couple of weekends ago, when I visited my friend Monica of 5 Cats Shy and we drove from her home in Atlanta to Chattanooga, TN for breakfast with singer/songwiter and mountain dulcimer player Butch Ross. (If you don't already listen to his music, you totally should.) He even did the cooking.

Breakfast was great, Butch is a really nice guy, and I think I managed not to act like too much of a fangirl. All in all, a very nice way to spend a Saturday morning.